Cowardly grandparents and parents should teach their children the true nature of the corrupt government and indeed the world in which we live. Allowing them to grow up thinking they have rights and freedoms guaranteed to them is in fact lying to them. Stop lying to the children. Start by not lying to them about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, playing fair, sharing and the Tooth Fairy. It's up to you to instruct your children and teach them to survive.


    Give your children a basic course right in your own home! Play the simple card game WAR with the child. This is completely appropriate to start their education with the concept of WAR. It gets them ready to face death as cannon fodder on some rich fools' battlefields. That is the reason why you are raising them, isn't it? When they thoroughly understand that the higher ranking cards beat the lower ranking ones, create a new game called GOVERNMENT, simply by changing the name of the game. In this game, everything is the same except you are the government, and the government wins every trick, regardless of who had the better card, because they pull every trick. The government doesn't need any card. They aren't even in the game, they are just in the way, but they win! The children will soon lose interest in the game, but it will teach them a valuable lesson for later in life.



    When your children are a little older, you can teach them about the tax system in a way that is easy to grasp and will allow them to understand the benefits. Offer them $50 to mow the lawn. When they have mowed it and ask to be paid, withhold $35 and explain that this is income tax. Give $10 of this to their younger sibling, who has done nothing to deserve it, and explain that this is "fair" because the unfortunate ones 'need money too'. Also, explain that you need the other $25 yourself to cover the administrative costs of dividing the money and for various other governmental expenses, debt reduction payments and budget deficits. Explain that all this debt is caused by the cost of the benefits of living in the greatest place in the world. When they ask about the benefits, list an incredible array of the most wonderful things from grants and loans to improvement programs. When they ask for a benefit, make them apply for it, put them through lots of stupid hoops, then deny their application or simply ignore it. When they follow up on it tell them they don't qualify (do not tell them why), the program has ended, the program hasn't started yet, they aren't old enough, they are too old, it's over. You missed it. You aren't qualified as a member of some special pampered group, etc. They will finally get the idea. The benefits are only there until you apply for them. They were never real. That's right! The carrot isn't real, but the stick, is.


    Make them place their $15 in a savings account over which you have authority. Explain that if they are ever naughty, you will remove the money from the account. Also explain how you will be taking most of the interest they earn on that money, without anyone's permission. Mention that if they try to hide the money, this, in itself, will be evidence of wrongdoing and will result in you automatically taking the money. Make up a ridiculous TAX ASSESSMENT and take the money anyway.


    Conduct random searches of your child's room in the small hours of the morning. This prepares them for school lock downs, police searches and prison. Burst in unannounced, waving guns, force them to the ground and threaten them with dogs. Cuff their hands and go through all drawers and pockets. If they question this, tell them you are acting on a tip-off from a mate of theirs who casually mentioned that both had earned a bit of spare cash last week. Demand they tell you where it is. If they won't talk, water-board them. If you find it, confiscate all of that money and also take their MP3 player and computer. Sell these and keep the money to compensate you, the government, for having to make the raid. Also reinforce their bedroom door, bar the windows and lock them up in their room for a month as further punishment.

    When they cry at the injustice of this, tell them they are being "selfish" and "greedy" and only interested in looking after their own happiness. Explain that they should learn to sacrifice their own happiness for other people. But, since they cannot be relied upon or trusted to do this voluntarily, the use of force will ensure compliance. Later in life they will thank you.



    Make as many rules as possible. Leave the reasons for them obscure. Enforce them arbitrarily. Accuse your child of breaking rules you have never told them about and carefully explain that ignorance of the rules, the law, is not an excuse for breaking them. Keep them anxious that they may be violating commands you haven't yet issued. Instill in them the feeling that rules are utterly irrational. This will prepare them for living under a de-mockery and a demon-cratic government.


    If they are too young to understand the benefits of democracy, explain by example this wonderful system as follows: You, your wife and your friends get together and vote that the child should have all privileges removed, be beaten, and confined to their room for a week. If they protest that you are violating their rights, patiently explain their error and tell them that the majority has voted for this punishment and nothing matters except the will of the majority.


    When your child has matured sufficiently to understand how the judicial system works, set a bedtime for them of, say, 10 pm. and then send them to bed at 9 pm. When they tearfully accuse you of breaking the rules, explain that you made the rules and you can interpret them in any way that seems appropriate to you, according to changing conditions. You are the law and you will interpret the meaning of the words of the law in any way you want and commit any act of judicial gymnastics to arbitrarily frustrate them.


    Promise often to take them to the movies or the zoo, and then, at the appointed hour, recline in an easy chair with a newspaper and tell them you have changed your plans. When they scream, "but you promised!", explain to them that it was a campaign promise and hence meaningless. It's all just mere political puffery.



    Every now and then, without warning, slap your child. Stomp and beat the tar out of them. Then explain that this preemptive strike is self-defense. Tell them that you must be vigilant at all times to stop any potential enemy before they get big enough to hurt you. If they defend themselves or talk back, accuse them of assault, stun-gun them and punch their lights out! This, too, your child will appreciate, not right at that moment, maybe, but later in life.


    If they find this hard to accept, you can further illustrate the point as follows. Take them on a trip across town with you, to a strange neighbourhood. Walk into any random house you choose and start sorting out their domestic problems, using violence if that is what is required.  Make sure you use overwhelming force to crush the family into submission – this avoids a protracted visit and becoming involved for long periods of time.  Explain to the child that only a coward stands idly by whilst injustice is happening across town. Tell them we are all global villagers and problems left to fester will eventually spill over into our neighbourhood. Use the $35 you took from the child to purchase bus fare, a baseball bat and jack-boots.



    Drink a bottle of whiskey and then lecture them on the evils of smoking dope. If they point out your hypocrisy remind them that the majority of people drink and that, as already explained, the wants of the majority are the only moral standard.


    Break up any meeting between them and more than three of their friends as being an 'unlawful gathering'.

    If they pet the cat without the cat giving its express permission, slap them hard for feline harassment.

    Mark one designated spot in the yard where they can leave their bike. Put in a parking meter. If they leave it anywhere else or park illegally, padlock it and demand $50 to release it. If they offend more than three times, confiscate the bike, sell it, and keep the money.


    Install a CCTV system in the child's bedroom and also record all their telephone conversations. If they protest, accuse them of having something to hide. Explain that only criminals seek privacy and that good, dutiful children relinquish their privacy in exchange for the advantages which protective parenthood offers. Remind them of the boy across town who was caught smoking dope and playing with himself in his bedroom by just such a CCTV system, and explain that this case justifies installing CCTV in all teenagers' bedrooms.


    Confuse them constantly. Teach them that words mean nothing – or rather that the meanings of words are continually "evolving", and may be tomorrow the opposite of what they are today. Lie to them and trick them into doing things they don't want to do. When they discover they have been lied to, stand your ground and obfuscate profusely, lie and attack their character. Blame them, demean and insult their intelligence. When completely caught out, obtusely apologize and tell them how smart they are and how good a guy you are for finally telling them the truth. Then continue as usual and pretend nothing happened.



    Have a word with their teachers at school and ask them to share any merit marks the child achieves, with any ethnic minority students who did not get any merit marks. If the child questions this policy, explain that long ago our ancestors abused the ancestors of these people, and so it is only fair that the child should have to share their merits around to compensate the descendants of those people who where abused in the past.


    This is also probably a good time to tell them that their energy, talent and enthusiasm will not secure them a job if the quota of such 'abused' people has not yet been filled. Tell them talent stands for nothing – it is political correctness and sacrifice which are important. Remind them that their primary duty is the happiness and welfare of people they do not know, will never meet, who resent them and don't like them one bit.


    Ban cutlery from your home and make them eat with their fingers. If they ask why, remind them of the youth who stabbed a cat to death last week with a fork. Explain that if just one cat is saved by the banning of cutlery, then this prohibition will be worthwhile. If they protest, question them closely about why they intend to kill innocent cats, or accuse them of being a cat hater, an anti-cat-ite.



    Issue them with a pass card which they must carry at all times and show before crossing the border of the house. Photograph and fingerprint them. Pay their friends and siblings to spy on them. Stand guard at the front door. When they come home, politely but firmly take them into the spare room and question them about their movements. Check their papers. Put in a baggage x-ray machine and a full body scanner. To keep them guessing, conduct random strip searches and rectal probes. Ask how much cash they have on their person. If in excess of $50, confiscate the lot as it exceeds the house rule for maximum cash allowed. Then search their rucksack and pockets. If they protest, detain them longer and make the search more thorough. If they get really angry at this, lock them up in their reinforced bedroom until they miss the next outing, party or vacation.


    If these methods sound harsh, this tough love is only being cruel to be kind. I think it is important for children to understand the nature of the society in which we allow them to live. However if you feel that it is entirely inappropriate for an adult to treat a child in such a cruel, irrational way – and you could never do this to your child – why do you allow another adult to tdo it to you or treat anyone else this way? If you don't like this, stop lying to yourself and making excuses for it. Get off your fat ass, stand up and put an end to this political misanthropic sociocultural genocide.


    Whatever you decide always remember, Teach Your Children Well.


    © Reverend Paul Coulbeck, Bishop 2010